Why A Prenup Will Save Your Life
Wondering if you should get a prenup before you get married? Divorce rates aren't going down, and prenups can protect more than you think.
Originally published 11/2/19.
Nearly all of my married friends give me grief when I share articles on Facebook about why prenuptial agreements are so important for any marriage. A lot of people have misconceptions about why a divorce is needed, and I suppose my married friends who tell me that a prenup is unnecessary for their marriage also have parents who are still married. Maybe being the daughter of divorced parents with a father who divorced twice and a divorcée herself, I have a more realistic grasp of the divorce rates in this country. Maybe I’ve just watched too much financial TV to pretend this doesn’t happen.
“About 40% to 50% of married couples in the United States divorce, according to the American Psychological Association. The divorce rate among those who remarry is even higher.” (source)
As a previously divorced woman myself, there was no way in hell I was going to go through the shitstorm of my divorce again.
It’s story time.
I wasted money while trying to save it
When my dad died, I inherited some money. It wasn’t enough to live on, but it was enough to buy a house. My boyfriend—I call him Poker in this blog because all he did with his life was gamble—suggested we use the money to pay off the mortgage on his house, which was where we both lived. I told him I wouldn’t do that for someone who was a boyfriend, but I would for a fiancé as long as my name was added to the title.
Paying off the mortgage early was a pretty dumb move even if we had been the happiest couple known to man. This was during the Great Recession, and the house was purchased before the recession really began affecting real estate prices. He paid double what it was worth at the time he suggested this. We would have been far better off selling the house underwater and using my inheritance for a new house considering the low prices at that time. But he loved the house and didn’t want to move, and most of the time, I loved it, too. Except when I had to clean it.
Making bad decisions
About a year after his suggestion, Poker proposed. Even I would have been suspicious if he had proposed earlier because our relationship was in a really shitty place. I was constantly depressed and suicidal, and he was spending way too much time playing poker. We didn’t see each other often and couldn’t build a relationship on top of that. He was playing poker instead of working a real job, which was our situation when we met. It had just gotten exponentially worse.
A few days after Poker proposed, he suggested we pay off the mortgage with my inheritance. This seemed like a good idea because we were happy and in love and wanted to stay in that house forever. Within two weeks, I was at the bank coordinating the transfer of money my father left to me to a mortgage with Poker’s name on it. My name was still nowhere on this property. Poker had told me that it would cost a few thousand dollars to add my name before we were married. After that, it would be about $30. You know I’m very thrifty, but this was a huge mistake. For a couple thousand I would have had peace of mind and doubled what I received from him after the divorce.
Things got worse
About a year later, we were married. My life turned to shit during the honeymoon. Our relationship was awful again, and I found myself suicidal, hurting myself, and wishing I could just go to sleep forever to escape the madness I was living. Without getting into the reason for our divorce (because that is a whole other novel), we decided to get divorced. The decision was made about eight months after our wedding. My name was still not on the title to our home, for which I paid 50% of the purchase price a year prior.
Conning from the very beginning
Aside from a joint checking account to which I was contributing $500 monthly along with Poker, we hadn’t combined any assets. I asked Poker for the $155,000—you read that right—that I transferred to his mortgage before the divorce was finalized. He refused because, as you know, we were in a recession, and his house was only worth about half that. Poker didn’t want to pay me 100% of what his property was worth, though it was perfectly all right to ask me to pay 100% of what it was worth when we paid off the underwater mortgage. He promised me $95,000. I don’t recall how he came up with that figure. It may have been half of the current value based on his assessed value for property taxes.
Dick better have my money
After a couple of weeks of expecting $95,000 from him, which would have been enough for a down payment but not a cash transaction in any city in which I was considering living, he told me that he wanted me to unpack all my shit because I might be hiding belongings of his in the boxes. I was nearly finished and was planning to move out within a few weeks. I told him he couldn’t do that because it was too much hassle, and frankly, I didn’t appreciate being treated like his property or a child that he had to monitor. He then told me he was only going to give me $80,000.
I made holes in the walls. Poker didn’t own $15,000 worth of shit to begin with. The idea that I could fit $15,000 worth of his shit into boxes along with my stuff was preposterous and was just another form of manipulation. My mom came over to rescue me. I actually asked her to visit because I thought I would beat his head in with a baseball bat if someone wasn’t around to keep me calm. My mom was able to get Poker to agree to go halfway between the original $95,000 and the reduced amount to $87,500. After much time spent with lawyers after we divorced (because Poker never put this offer in writing and lied on the divorce papers), I got the money.
The things we do for love
So, I lost $67,500 because of love. I thought I was doing the right thing financially by paying off the mortgage early. It was my home, after all. I just didn’t own it. If I had waited until we were married to pay it off, I would have gotten all of my money back. If I had been married to Poker over a year, I would have had many more rights. If I had not been so gullible about love and what a relationship is supposed to be and had gotten out much sooner, I wouldn’t have lost a penny, and would not have had to learn this hard life lesson, suffering for seven years with him.
The second marriage
My past isn’t the only reason I got a prenup when Mr. Green and I became engaged. Mr. Green was 100% on board and would not have proceeded with a marriage even if I had not experienced the nightmare that I did. Why? Is he selfish? Of course not! My husband is the most generous person I know. Does he have oodles of money to protect? No, I actually have more assets than he does, and I purchased our condo without his financial assistance for the down payment. So, why did he want a prenup?
Because he cares about both of us and doesn’t live in a fantasy land.
The American Psychological Association has revealed that “about 40% to 50% of married couples in the United States divorce.” This should come as no surprise since everyone knows the old adage that a marriage either ends in “divorce or death.” Neither one is a picnic.
Here are the reasons why we and many other couples choose to get a prenup:
Millennials are getting married later and are more likely to have assets
While this isn’t the case for most of my friends, who got married in their 30s but had no assets (at least not something they consider an asset), as millennials are recovering from the Great Recession, they are getting married, and the 62% increase in prenups is largely their doing. These couples may have retirement accounts, investments, or even a car or (less likely) a home that they want to retain in the event of a divorce.
A prenup protects your future assets, not just your current ones
Something I presume few people know is that a prenup will protect your future assets as well as any current assets you have. When my friends joked that they didn’t get a prenup because they were “broke AF lol,” I wondered if they expect to always to be broke AF. Most people have some level of aspiration to either earn more income as they climb the corporate ladder or, you know, not work forever.
If you don’t want to work forever, you need to save for retirement. If you get divorced and your spouse who thinks an IRA is the name of one of your coworkers gets half of your retirement account, how do you think you’d feel? It’s hard enough going through the emotional roller coaster that is divorce. You don’t want to expect to work an extra 10 or 20 years because of it.
A prenup protects your debts
My friends who didn’t get prenups also have student loans. I don’t know about you, but if I was married to someone with a high amount of student loans to pay off, I would be pretty pissed off if they tried to make me pay for half of that in a divorce. Our prenup specifies that any debts in only one spouse’s name are the sole responsibility of that spouse.
If Mr. Green or I decide to go crazy and have a midlife crisis and blow money on a Tesla and tiny home without the other being on the title for either, the spouse who made the purchase keeps the debt. The same is true for credit card debt. We are only paying for what is on our own cards. This is one reason we only have a joint checking account and no other shared assets.
A prenup isn’t just for rich people
A prenup can actually spell out what happens to your pets in the event of divorce. For issues with children, that will go through family court. You can’t include who pays for the kids or where they will live in a prenup. Additionally, at the time of this writing, lower income couples are more likely to get divorced than higher earners—17% compared to 11%.
Prenups can come in handy for issues related to the marriage itself, not just a potential divorce
When Mr. Green and I were drafting our prenup, we wanted to make sure that I retain ownership of the condo even though he pays a portion of the mortgage to me. We also added a stipulation that any future property purchased together will be divided based on what percentage each of us contributed toward it. As of this writing, he is paying for 56% of our joint expenses, and I pay 44%.
If we bought another property and contributed this same percentage to the down payment and mortgage, I’d recoup 44% of its value in the event of a divorce. Essentially, this ensures that we will continue to pay our joint expenses as a percentage of each of our incomes.
People think prenups aren’t romantic
Speak for yourself. Mr. Green and I spent more time on our prenup than we did planning our marriage celebration. Knowing that my partner cared about me enough to protect my assets and his was something I found very romantic. When we signed our papers, our lawyers had to direct us not to sit next to each other.
Apparently, you’re supposed to sit across from one another and next to your attorney. No hand-holding and kissing allowed. Damn, they were strict. The prenup was the first concrete thing we had that confirmed our engagement and started the path toward wedded bliss, of course it was romantic!
Beware the “shadow of the altar” prenup
So, you’re getting married in two months and decided that a prenup is right for you. Slow your roll, pal. You may be a smidge too late.
You should sign a prenup within 12 to 6 months of your wedding date. Generally, anything signed after 6 months may be considered to have been signed under duress or at the prodding of the other party. If that happens, the judge might just decide to ignore the whole thing if you get divorced. Talk to a divorce or family attorney about your options. You may still be able to get a postnup after your wedding, as long as you sign it fairly quickly. Your one year anniversary is probably waiting too long.
If you don’t get a prenup, you’re trusting the state to decide how to divide your assets. If you and your spouse earn the exact same income and came into the marriage with the exact same assets and debts, there may not be much to worry about unless you and your spouse disagree that a 50/50 split is fair. But that’s not the reality for a vast majority of divorce cases.
Getting a prenup makes the worst time of your life slightly less stressful. It’s like insurance for your marriage. You have life insurance and health insurance. You need marriage insurance, too.